Apocalyptic Omen of the Day!

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01-16-03

SOOOOOOO sorry for the lack of updates since the big debut. I've been entirely busy hiding in my cave until this Iraqi (known to many as "I rackies") inspection was going to blow over. Fortunately, Sean Penn was around to keep the public calm and safe until today when they found out that Saddamy has some chemical warheads after all. Of course, this is clearly a coup de taut involving Saddamy, Bush, the CIA, Castro, and possibly even PRESIDENT "L-to-tha-BJ" HIMSELF! So I better get all of this out quickly so I can get back to some good grime licking in my cave.

Lisa Marie Presley Seeks Rage On Cage-
Revenge Plan Shall Cause Paternal Grave Spinning

          After going through as much as she possibly could to absolutely make sure her life is going to end much more miserably than her father's, Lisa Marie Presley is now recording an album with songs she wrote herself to remind her that failure doesn't necessarily have to be related to her marriages, it can also be used to ruin the family name.
          Ex-Eagle Glen Ballard, quoted from this article, thinks the album is "a pop record, but it also has elements of blues, funk, country, R&B, hip-hop--it's sort of the confluence of whatever modern-day Memphis is right now.....a giant POP identity crisis, but now with Elvis' daughter too! .....And now maybe Don Henley will start returning my calls again about our Eagles-Not Quite Extinct Yet! Reunion Tour."
          Songs to be included on the album are "Can't Help Falling In Love...For Money," "All Stuck Up," "Mallhouse Pop," and a twist on a Beatles tune entitled, "Money Can't Buy Me Love.....But Love Can Get Me Even MORE Money!"

FAVORED HORSEMEN: ALL 4

Above: Lisa Marie Presley Being Informed
That She Was Once Married To Michael Jackson.

Limbaugh Pleased With Prospects of Neighbor Who's Just As White As He Is:

          OK, folks, just try and stay with me here. This article states that Michael Jackson is now looking for a new dwelling to try and get rid of the media once and for all by possibly moving in next to some of the biggest media whores of all time including Rush Limbaugh, and Donald and Ivana Trump. It goes on to casually mention that Jacko "has been staying in South Florida recently, working on an unnamed project with Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees." Do you feel a conspiracy brewin'? Well, maybe a transcript of this conversation will convince you:
          Rush: "Is the deed done?"
          Jacko: "The canary sang at midnight."
          Rush: "Excellent-with Maurice out of the way, this is sure to be a shoe-in. But I must know, how was it done?"
          Jacko: "I got into a vulcan mind-meld with his brother Barry, and, while collaborating Crap-on-crap, I channeled Maurice, and put the dreaded "Curse of Old Age" on him. Then I sent ultra high frequencies to his brain to quicken the process."
          Rush: "Ah, yes. Your shrill singing voice and ability to give curses due to age-less-ness from being only 1/3 human has served us all well. You shall be greatly rewarded for this. You ever consider joining our gang?"
          Jacko: "The Mafia?"
          Rush: "No, the KKK!"
          And who's to benefit from all of this? Why, Donny Trump, of course! The proof?: A 1988 interview from Playboy where he states, and I quote, "The secret to my success? A voodoo limerick that allows all evil events to get me money. More evil=More $$$!!!"
          Now we just gotta get James Gandolfini (aka Tony Soprano) and Gary Oldman (aka Lee Harvey Oswald) to play Rush and Jacko, respectively, in the made for TV movie, and the circle's complete. Apocalypse city.

FAVORED HORSEMEN: WAR, DEATH

In Other News.....

Metallica may finally have run out of people to sue, so in a desperate attempt to keep their fix steady before the withdrawals kick in, they sue themselves. The Bizarro Metallica from Canada is accused that their band name will cause "Significant monetary damages and obtain an injunction against any further acts of infringement, both in the U.S. and in Canada." Wait a minute.....maybe the 'Merican Metallica is the Bizarro Metallica.....!
At any rate, after suing Napster, Victoria's Secret, a French perfume company, a tuxedo company, and now these guys, Metallica has filed 87 lawsuits out of a possible 100 to get this world to Doomsday before anyone else can. "Sad But True" indeed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! GET IT?! HAHAHAHAHA! MAYBE I SHOULD SAY "ENTER.......HORSEMAN??" MUAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Cheezy word play shall never die. But the rest of us will, and this stupid shit will far outlive it. YAY!

Above: The Four Horsemen Waiting to Greet Metallica

FAVORED HORSEMEN: ALL 4 IN LIGHT OF THE SHITTY METALLICA SONG ABOUT THEM. ISN'T THAT CUTE?

Recommendations For Things You'll (Probably) Never Spend $$$ On:

Human Nature-A movie written by Charlie Kaufman (writer of Being John Malkovich) and executive producer Spike Jonze (Director of Being John Malkovich) where Boy meets Girl. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy and Girl meet ManApe. Girl turns to ManApe after Boy finds Girl shaving massive body hair. Boy narrates story with bullet in head.
Death To Smoochy-Danny DeVito directs Robin Williams trying to murder Ed Norton Jr. in a movie that I can only simply describe as "Barney on Acid."
Jason X (Jason In Space)-You know a horror movie hasn't lived up to its name until it's been done :In Space. Jason goes through his usual antics including beating 2 naked girls in sleeping bags against each other at Camp Crystal Lake in "The Virtual '80's," and reforming as something that can't be killed even more-so. The sad part is, I'm not joking.
Songs for the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age-I know everybody's been declaring "The Return of Rock" with the "The" bands right now, but this epic concept album has been the closest I've seen anyone get in the past 5 years. Innovative while being satirical.
Audioslave by Audioslave-Rage Against the Machine and Chris Cornell from Soundgarden form a supergroup to make music that actually sounds like Rage Against the Machine and Chris Cornell. The results are quite excellent.

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01-06-03

Wellllllllll. Here we are with the big site debut and a whole slew of what's to come before THE END!!! (...And I'm talking about more than just a Jim Morrison jingle here). The first few are from the past week, but the site will be updated as the omens occur (weekly more or less). So without further ado......

The First AOD!!!
(And note that I didn't hesitate wtih the catchy acronym. Oh yeah.)

1st up: Christina VS. Kelly!!!

          Yup, according to this article, the newly dubbed Xtina-suspected by many as Twisted Sister's Dee Snider in disguise-had heard her opponent Kelly, commenting on Xtina's "lifestyle" and labeled her as "One of the most disgusting human beings on the world" to passively express her own personal jealousy and teenage angst within. Awwwwwwwwww. The ex-mouskateer picked up on this with her "Rat Radar" and immediately called out the daughter of the "Dark Prince...who was still worthy of worship back in 1975," Kelly Osbourne. Xtina throws Kelly into a headlock at starts yelling. It probably went something like this:
          X: "Ho! Don't choo no hoo eye yam?!?"
          KO: "Ouch! Hey, wait-shouldn't I be the intimidating one? Wa wa."
          X: "Represent! Represent! Um.....BOTH SI-EEEEEDZ!!! I do what I want, little girl! I have 42 piercings!"
          And then everybody's bodyguard at the party jumps in and kicks both their asses.
          (Hey, since this may cause the apocalypse, can't I enjoy it?)

FAVORED HORSEMAN: PESTILENCE, DEATH

Dee Snider posing as Christina Aguilara and Kelly Osbourne
practicing how to steal from the homeless after she has
no singing career at 37.

Perhaps Even Scarier: Big Egos On Big Screen!
(But what Else Is New?)

Yup, another sitcom turned sclockbuster is about to occur. This article says that after its 10th season completes, "Friends" will become yet another box office blunder-much before Rocky VI comes out, and according to Nostradamus, beating it to the biggest flop of the new year. However, the flick's said to be "Much more adult and will even include nudity." That tasty little tidbit allows one to spring all kinds of chaotic comedic theory. So that said-some proposed story lines for the movie:

Marcel the Monkey returns and confesses his love to Ross who later finds out about the monkey's secret affair with Joey. Rachel breaks a nail and cries.
All 6 Friends find out that they are having one demented mutated love child--and it's being carried by Phoebe! Ross whines about it.
Chandler loses his keys. The naked guy across the street gives Phoebe an STD. Joey hits on her gynecologist.

Or maybe all of those ideas could be crammed into one fantandamental (you heard me) movie since they have a whole 90 minutes to spend! I know I'd like to see all of that in a short time period right before the world implodes before us. Yyyyyyyyyyyyyessiree.

FAVORED HORSEMAN: WAR, FAMINE

In Other News.....

The Simpsons sell out again...but perhaps worse than ever before.

This time they're advertising for a large shoe company.

.....Do you want a hint?

.....It's not NIKE.....

.....OK-it's Reebok.

......And Jesus shat.

FAVORED HORSEMAN: FAMINE, PESTILENCE

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