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SUBMIT AN AOD!!! |
01-30-03
Oy! Looks like I've been a poor role model for all you young viewers
and kind citizens of the USofA, as I haven't updated this site in 2
weeks. You may ask yourself, is all the fame finally getting to his
head, or is this fool just plain lazy? The answer.....is up to the
voter, not me. However, I HAVE been incredibly busy in these 2
weeks-I got hired at my job at Creative Labs (now suing me for using their
name on this page. Ah well.) I've been watching pirated copies
of The Two Towers, I've been partying with a fake ID, I've been smuggling
firearms onto Miami, and I've been crashing other people's illegal events
here and there. Since I'm getting tired and wasted tonight, this'll
probably be a quick one anyway. I know you're just here to see the
funny pictures anyway, so meh. Which reminds me: you folks should
always feel free to SUBMIT AN
APOCALYPTIC OMEN OF THE DAY! shall you come across something deemed
worthy of "mass destruction."
White
Trash Hosts To Stop Preaching to Poor WT: To Start Appealing To Wealthy WT
Instead  
Which one of these men do you trust for
hard-hitting topics?
Hard hittng alcoholics?! Hard hittng husands?!?!
Alright, you're not gonna like this, but here goes. This
article from Yahoo! says that the "Ringmaster" of the Barnum
and Bailey's from Hell, Jerry Springer (Seen above right, with Gary Condit
smile) is supposed to run for US Senate next year. Meanwhile,
host of the popular "Wheel of Torture" game show Pat
"Bright-Colors-and-Spinny-Things" Sajak (Seen above left, with
Siegfried/Roy smile) will be getting his own late night political talk
show, according to The
Sacramento Bee.
Of course, the
actual Apocalypse won't happen until the night of 59-year-old Springer's
(D-OH)* inauguration when he happens to have an exclusive interview on
"Pat's Sajak Weekend" (supposing FOX News Channel doesn't cancel
it first). Here's the interview that ends it all:
Pat Sajak: Welcome
to the Weekend, Jerry. And of course, CONGRATULATIONS-YOU DID
IT!!! SHOW HIM WHAT HE'S WON, VANNA!
Jerry Springer:
Pat, you seem a little tense; like you might have a couple of
issues. Care to share a couple thoughts?
PS: Wait, that's
what I'M DOING! I'M THE BIG INTERVIEW GUY THIS TIME!
(muttering).....not like last time when I was your "Sajak On
Prozac" for your "I Can't Get My Family To Stop Doing
Drugs" episode.....hrumph hm...er...How does feel to be a winner?
JS: Well, I'm just
glad that hell occasionally WILL freeze over sometimes.
HAHAHAHAHAhey.....you see those horsemen coming this way?
PS: That's all for tonight folks! Tune in next time!
JS: ...And now for
my final thought. Cheezy cliches are a horrible way to end anything,
especially a life of unstoppable sin. That's why I think our viewers
should..."
.....And then they
implode or something. FAVORED
HORSEMEN: WAR, DEATH   
Pat Sajak (center) checks out Springer
(left) on the town. Springer (right) chilling at home between shows.
Beauty
and the Beast--But Which One Is Which?!
OK, I know that a thousand
(1000) people have reported this already, but for anyone who's been
living under a bridge with the non-Justin members of 'N Sync: BRITNEY
SPEARS IS DATING FRED DURST FROM LIMP BIZKIT. At first, there were
postings on Limp Bizkit's website, straight from the Jackass's, I mean,
Horse's Mouth, but those postings have since seemed to be removed, and, in
my guess, ripped away in a flurry of tears. Awwwwwww, poor
Freddy. Since this thing could probably write itself, here's some
funny pictures instead. FAVORED
HORSEMEN: ALL 4, BUT SLOWLY  
Left: Fred Durst, with ex-girlfriend;
dreaming of a preteen
Right: Preteen Britney Spears, wtihout boyfriend, dreaming of a dog.
 
Britney and Fred Post-Meetup, but Pre-Beatup.
Quick
Movie Recommendations:
-
Insomnia-The guy who directed
Memento (Christopher Nolan) teams up with executive producers George
Clooney (From Dusk Till Dawn) and Steven Soderberg (Waking Life cameo)
in a movie which stars Al Pacino and Robin Williams. Slightly
predictable, occasionally unpredictable, but probably would've been a
little better with a couple less talking egos involved (namely
executive producers). Still worth a rent though.
-
Lord of the Rings: The Two
(That's 2) Towers-Saw this in theater 2 or 3 times, but once again
reminded of its brilliance in the new Pirate Editon. Just
kidding, MPAA <heh>. But honestly, if you haven't already,
then see this..............................NOW!
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*Funny
that Jerry Springer's politcal party/home state are the same as Homer
Simpson's reaction to the situation.
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01-16-03
SOOOOOOO sorry for the lack of updates since the big debut. I've
been entirely busy hiding in my cave until this Iraqi (known to many as
"I rackies") inspection was going to blow over.
Fortunately, Sean Penn was around to keep the public calm and safe until
today when they found out that Saddamy has some chemical warheads after
all. Of course, this is clearly a coup de taut involving Saddamy,
Bush, the CIA, Castro, and possibly even PRESIDENT "L-to-tha-BJ"
HIMSELF! So I better get all of this out quickly so I can get back
to some good grime licking in my cave. Lisa
Marie Presley Seeks Rage On Cage-
Revenge Plan Shall Cause Paternal Grave Spinning
After going through as much as she possibly could to absolutely make sure
her life is going to end much more miserably than her father's, Lisa Marie
Presley is now recording an album with songs she wrote herself to remind
her that failure doesn't necessarily have to be related to her marriages,
it can also be used to ruin the family name.
Ex-Eagle Glen
Ballard, quoted from this
article, thinks the album is "a pop record, but it also has
elements of blues, funk, country, R&B, hip-hop--it's sort of the
confluence of whatever modern-day Memphis is right now.....a giant POP
identity crisis, but now with Elvis' daughter too! .....And now
maybe Don Henley will start returning my calls again about our Eagles-Not
Quite Extinct Yet! Reunion Tour."
Songs to be
included on the album are "Can't Help Falling In Love...For
Money," "All Stuck Up," "Mallhouse Pop," and a
twist on a Beatles tune entitled, "Money Can't Buy Me Love.....But
Love Can Get Me Even MORE Money!" FAVORED
HORSEMEN: ALL 4 
Above: Lisa Marie Presley Being Informed
That She Was Once Married To Michael Jackson.
Limbaugh
Pleased With Prospects of Neighbor Who's Just As White As He Is:
OK, folks, just try and stay with me here. This
article states that Michael Jackson is now looking for a new dwelling
to try and get rid of the media once and for all by possibly moving in
next to some of the biggest media whores of all time including Rush
Limbaugh, and Donald and Ivana Trump. It goes on to casually mention
that Jacko "has been staying in South Florida recently, working on an
unnamed project with Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees." Do you feel a
conspiracy brewin'? Well, maybe a transcript of this conversation
will convince you:
Rush: "Is the
deed done?"
Jacko: "The
canary sang at midnight."
Rush:
"Excellent-with Maurice out of the way, this is sure to be a
shoe-in. But I must know, how was it done?"
Jacko: "I got
into a vulcan mind-meld with his brother Barry, and, while collaborating
Crap-on-crap, I channeled Maurice, and put the dreaded "Curse of Old
Age" on him. Then I sent ultra high frequencies to his brain to
quicken the process."
Rush: "Ah,
yes. Your shrill singing voice and ability to give curses due to
age-less-ness from being only 1/3 human has served us all well. You
shall be greatly rewarded for this. You ever consider joining our
gang?"
Jacko: "The
Mafia?"
Rush: "No, the
KKK!"
And who's to
benefit from all of this? Why, Donny Trump, of course! The
proof?: A 1988 interview from Playboy where he states, and I quote,
"The secret to my success? A voodoo limerick that allows all
evil events to get me money. More evil=More $$$!!!"
Now we just gotta
get James Gandolfini (aka Tony Soprano) and Gary Oldman (aka Lee Harvey
Oswald) to play Rush and Jacko, respectively, in the made for TV movie,
and the circle's complete. Apocalypse city. FAVORED
HORSEMEN: WAR, DEATH
In Other
News.....
Metallica may finally have run out of people to sue, so in a desperate
attempt to keep their fix steady before the withdrawals kick in, they
sue themselves. The Bizarro Metallica from Canada is accused
that their band name will cause "Significant monetary damages and obtain
an injunction against any further acts of infringement, both in the U.S.
and in Canada." Wait a minute.....maybe the 'Merican Metallica
is the Bizarro Metallica.....!
At any rate, after
suing Napster, Victoria's Secret, a French perfume company, a tuxedo
company, and now these guys, Metallica has filed 87 lawsuits out of a
possible 100 to get this world to Doomsday before anyone else can.
"Sad But True" indeed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! GET IT?!
HAHAHAHAHA! MAYBE I SHOULD SAY
"ENTER.......HORSEMAN??" MUAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Cheezy word play shall never die. But the rest of us will, and this
stupid shit will far outlive it. YAY! 
Above: The Four Horsemen Waiting to Greet
Metallica
FAVORED
HORSEMEN: ALL 4 IN LIGHT OF THE SHITTY METALLICA SONG ABOUT
THEM. ISN'T THAT CUTE? Recommendations
For Things You'll (Probably) Never Spend $$$ On:
-
Human Nature-A movie written
by Charlie Kaufman (writer of Being John Malkovich) and executive
producer Spike Jonze (Director of Being John Malkovich) where Boy
meets Girl. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy and Girl meet
ManApe. Girl turns to ManApe after Boy finds Girl shaving
massive body hair. Boy narrates story with bullet in head.
-
Death To Smoochy-Danny DeVito
directs Robin Williams trying to murder Ed Norton Jr. in a movie that
I can only simply describe as "Barney on Acid."
-
Jason X (Jason In Space)-You
know a horror movie hasn't lived up to its name until it's been done
:In Space. Jason goes through his usual antics including beating
2 naked girls in sleeping bags against each other at Camp Crystal Lake
in "The Virtual
'80's," and reforming as something that can't be killed even
more-so. The sad part is, I'm not joking.
-
Songs for the Deaf by Queens
of the Stone Age-I know everybody's been declaring "The Return of
Rock" with the "The" bands right now, but this epic
concept album has been the closest I've seen anyone get in the past 5
years. Innovative while being satirical.
-
Audioslave by Audioslave-Rage
Against the Machine and Chris Cornell from Soundgarden form a
supergroup to make music that actually sounds like Rage Against the
Machine and Chris Cornell. The results are quite excellent.
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